


Hell, it Can't Be So Bad

by moonbands



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: AU, Calum is like Luke's bitch lol, Devil!Luke, Hell, M/M, Religion, im not really sure what else to put
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-16
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-08-09 02:51:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7783879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonbands/pseuds/moonbands
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Welcome to hell," Luke says, almost like he's a talk show host. Luke watches as Michael and Ashton look behind him, feels the heat of the molten lava against his back. Luke steps away so they can have a clearer view of the souls falling into the pit, the shrill shrieks and screams never failing to give his guests goosebumps.</p><p>Or a fic where Luke is the devil who also determines who goes to hell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. For Devil's Sake

Luke wipes the sweat off his forehead as he paces around his alter, the glowing orb on mute while he's on the phone. "God, you can't just send people here whenever you want. I have way too many people here. I'm backed up for days because all of my workers are getting heatstroke. Chill with the damnations. And fix the air conditioning while you're at it!"

Luke angrily hangs up the phone, snapping his fingers over the orb to stare at the humans who will eventually live with him. He turns to the door as someone knocks before entering.

"Hey, I got you a slushie from middle earth on my way back from The Gate. Oh, devil, you're on fire," Calum worries, rushing over to Luke to pat out the tiny flames on the tips of his hair. "Just get off the phone with God?"

"Yeah. He's so devildamn lazy. He picks at every little thing a human has done and determines if they're good or bad, then sends them here anyways. I'm sick of it! None of the paperwork is being filled out! Humans are complaining that their food is burnt. Let them die again for devil's sake! Where the fuck is the air conditioning repairman?!" Luke sees Calum flinch as he bangs his fist against the alter, the orb wobbling on top. As Calum reaches up to fix Luke's hair again, he calms down considerably. "Sorry, I don't mean to get angry," he apologizes.

"It's okay," Calum pardons softly. He sets the slushie down on Luke's desk before turning back around and placing his hands on Luke's shoulders, his thumbs rubbing Luke's skin beneath his shirt. "It comes with the job, I know," Calum whispers, kissing Luke's cheek.

"You're so patient with me," Luke praises, a small smile slipping into his face as he leans in, his lips aiming for Calum's. Calum backs away, a mischievous smirk on his face. Luke laughs before adding, "And this is why you're a fallen angel and not in heaven."

Calum laughs and presses a kiss to Luke's lips before handing him his slushie. He heads for the door, waving his fingers. "Or maybe I fell for the devil, who knows?" Calum laughs at Luke's groan towards his pun before slipping out the door to leave Luke to his work.

Luke turns back to his orb, pulling up his rolling chair as he puts the straw of the slushie into his mouth. The gray haze on the orb fades away as a picture comes into focus of a tall kid with dyed hair, a denim jacket covering his arms.

 

Michael shuts his locker, holding his books up to his chest as he looks at the passing students in the hallway. He finds a space and quickly joins them, the swarm carrying him away to his next class. His eyes subconsciously wander from person to person, judging the way they wear their hair, the shoes on their feet, the fake smiles shown to their even more fake friends. Michael is just a regular high school student, and he hates it.

But then Michael sees the one reason he comes here every day, the sunshine of the high school that is Ashton Irwin. The prep that he is, always in the nicest clothes, his hair always a perfect mess, his shoes never scuffed. Ashton Irwin, who perfected the fake smile so easily he fit right in. Ashton Irwin, Michael's guilty pleasure.

Michael watches the boy as he passes, the way the sunlight from the window makes his eyes a warm copper color. Ashton meets Michael's eyes, and Michael keeps walking with the flow of the students pushing him even though Ashton gives him a small smile. Michael's heart thumps in his chest, the back of his neck flushing up to his ears. His stomach flips, and he almost misses his classroom because he's thinking about how Ashton Irwin smiled at him.

 

Luke chuckles lowly, making a mental note, knowing that it's being stored in a filing cabinet somewhere for future use.

Michael Gordon Clifford: Hell.  
Reason: Judgmental. Gay.

Luke doesn't entirely think it's fair that everyone that's gay goes to hell, but he does think it's funny that some people who are straight go straight to heaven. This is probably why he's so backed up with paperwork: tons of people are not straight. Maybe he needs to rethink the damnation system. He and God need to have a talk.

 

Calum slinks into Luke's office, pretending to be sneaky as he hides just inside. He uses his foot to shut the door, giving Luke an innocent look as he swivels around in his chair to see Calum. Luke knows what Calum wants. Everyone's learned by now not to interrupt Luke when his office door is closed. Luke gives a hint of a smirk, a single finger beckoning Calum forward.

Calum is quick to make his way across the room, crawling into Luke's lap. Calum kisses Luke roughly, his hands pushing Luke back in his chair, making the chair lean. Luke groans loudly, his hands flying to hold Calum's waist.

"Why are you so antsy?" Luke gets to ask as Calum kisses down his jaw, making red marks onto his neck as he bites. Calum moves his hips, rubbing their crotches together.

"I went to The Gate," Calum tells Luke in between bites, "to pick up some paperwork, and the lot of shitty angels that think they're better than everyone else made me remember why," Calum moves his hands to the back of Luke's head, threading his fingers in his hair, "I'm in love with you."

Luke's heart flips, smiling at Calum as he pulls away from Luke's neck. "I swear, Calum, you make me so soft."

Calum grinds down in Luke's lap, pulling Luke's hair as he presses a kiss to his lips. "Really? Because you feel pretty hard to me." Luke moans into Calum's mouth, never one to be quiet.

"W-What are you doing?" Luke hears, so he looks at Calum, but Calum looks confused.

"Did you say th-"

"I'm just, uh, looking at you." Luke hears this one come from the orb, and he remembers he didn't mute it. He's just about to snap his fingers over it when he recognizes the two people talking.

 

Michael slowly backs away from Ashton, his hands automatically fidgeting together. He hits the locker behind him, cold against his bare skin. He watches Ashton carefully, looking for any signs of him needing to run out of the quiet locker room.

Ashton looks confused for a second, pulling his PE shirt on all the way before turning back around to Michael. "You were watching me undress," he calls Michael out. "Are you gay or something?"

Michael shakes his head too fast, flinching at Ashton's infliction of the word "gay." "I wasn't," he argues, but he knows that's a lie. He can't help it if he checks Ashton out. Ashton is his crush.

Ashton pushes Michael back into the locker as he walks past. "You're going to hell," he says lowly, turning the corner and leaving the locker room.

Michael wipes away the few tears collected on his face, turning around to put on his own PE shirt.

 

Luke looks at Calum, who seems sort of uneasy at watching the devil's orb. He makes a mental note to himself before muting the orb.

Ashton Irwin: Hell.  
Reason: Bully.

 

It's just another office day for Luke, swiping through different scenes of unchristian behavior, when he sees the two boys that have been stuck in his mind for a while back on his orb after years. They look only a little bit older now, but there must be a reason for both of them being on his orb again. He leans his elbows on his alter, his head resting in his hands as he watches.

 

"What are you doing here?" Ashton asks once he opens his front door to see Michael standing outside.

Michael huffs, no longer scared of Ashton now that he's grown taller than him. "I'm here to babysit," he replies offhandedly. Michael sees Lauren peeking out from down the hall, and then Harry is running towards him with a big grin on his face.

"Michael!" Harry greets him, pushing Ashton out of the way to give his favorite babysitter a hug. Michael smirks at Ashton as the older boy scowls at him.

"Oh, you're here!" Michael hears as Ashton's mother walks towards the boys at the door. "Thank you so much for coming. I know it was such short notice, but I forgot we had our dinner tonight." She turns to Ashton, checking over his attire. "Ashton, go get ready. We're going to be late!" Michael watches as Ashton grumbles and rushes upstairs to finish getting ready.

"It's no problem, Ms. Irwin," Michael assures, Harry grabbing his hand and pulling him into the house.

"Please, come in. It's standard rules. All contacts are on the refrigerator. I'll be getting the car started if Ashton asks where I am." And with that, Ms. Irwin is leaving the way Michael came in, car keys jingling in hand and high heels clicking against the sidewalk.

Michael shuts the door after her, Harry giving him enough time before dragging him towards the living area. Michael sees Lauren sitting on the couch, playing on her phone. "Hey, Lauren."

Lauren looks up, a small smile reaching her lips. "Hi, Michael," she replies softly. Her cheeks grow pink as she looks back down at her phone, her thumbs tapping away.

Michael looks down at Harry as he talks to him, "Mikey, do you want to play hide and seek? I'll count first." Harry covers his eyes and starts counting, so Michael doesn't think he has much of a choice.

Michael walks out of the room on his tiptoes, keeping the illusion that Harry won't find where he is. He walks down the hallway, only noticing a door just now. He opens the door easily and finds a closet with quiet a few coats hung up. Perfect.

Michael squeezes inside, closing the door behind him. He moves the coats around so that he won't be noticed first thing, and he feels like a little kid again. His heart is racing as he waits for Harry to stop counting, but his heart almost stops as the door opens prematurely.

The jacket straight in front of him is being lifted from its hanger, and he sees the moment Ashton realizes Michael's hiding behind it. "Wha-"

"Shh!" Michael scolds, waving his hands to make Ashton get the point. "We're playing hide and seek," he whispers.

Ashton's face grows amused as he takes in Michael's crouched position. "Funny that you're in the closet."

"Get over it," Michael huffs, annoyed now. What's Ashton's problem with gay people?

"48, 49, 50! Here I come!" Harry's voice travels down the hallway. Michael panics and does the best thing he can think of in the situation. He pulls Ashton inside and shuts the door behind him. Ashton automatically groans as hangers are being jabbed into his face, so Michael places a hand over his mouth to keep him quiet. They both hear Harry's little feet running past the closet door, and Michael breathes easier.

Ashton bites Michael's hand, and Michael hisses as he pulls it away from Ashton's mouth, rubbing it on his shirt. "What the fuck is your problem with me?" Michael asks, watching as Ashton turns to look at him, an annoyed look on his face. Or, at least, what Michael believes is an annoyed look in a closet as dark as this one.

"You're a fag, that's my problem," Ashton spits out.

"But I didn't ever do anything to you," Michael argues.

Ashton glares at him. "Yes, you did." Michael is pushed back by the palms of Ashton's hands against the back wall of the closet. Michael reaches to push Ashton back, but Ashton grabs his hands and puts them above Michael's head, his fists knocking against the coats.

Michael's breath gets caught in his throat when he notices how close Ashton has gotten. He can feel Ashton's breath against his face and Ashton's curls brushing his forehead. Michael can't see what's happening, but Ashton's lips bump against his, clumsily mushing them together in a kiss. Michael can't help it; he kisses his crush back.

Ashton pulls away before the kiss gets any deeper. "That's what you did to me," he whispers quietly, letting go of Michael's hands from above his head. Just as Michael's about to say something, the closet door opens, and both of the boys turn to look at Harry who's smiling back at them.

"I didn't know you were playing too, Ashton," Harry giggles excitedly.

Ashton smiles up at Harry. "I was, but now that you found me, I have to go." Ashton picks up his jacket from the floor and shrugs it on as he leaves the closet.

"Your mom's in the car," Michael informs Ashton.

"Thanks," Ashton says, rubbing his hand over Harry's hair. "See you later, kiddo." Ashton heads towards the door, opening it smoothly before calling out behind him, "Bye, Lauren!"

"Bye!" the two youngest Irwin kids yell.

 

Luke smiles, flicking his fingers to swipe to the next person on the orb as he makes a mental note.

Ashton Irwin: Hell.  
Reason: Bully. Gay.

 

Calum walks into Luke's office with some papers in one hand and a carton of ice cream with a spoon sticking out in another. "Hey, Lukey." He sets the papers on Luke's desk, then sits carefully on the desk in front of Luke as well.

"Hi, baby. What do you have for me?" Luke sits up as Calum leans down, their lips connecting in a sweet kiss.

"Just some new damnations from God. They're all so scared, it's so funny. I love seeing newbies." Calum picks up the spoon and slips some ice cream into his mouth, seeing Luke watch his lips. "Do you want some?" he offers, scooping up some ice cream and placing the spoon in front of Luke's mouth. Luke gladly takes the spoon in between his lips, the ice cream cooling his mouth as Calum takes the spoon out.

"The air conditioning is broken again, so I got some ice cream for the humans. You know they complain so devildamn much." Calum slips his sandals off, his bare feet resting on Luke's legs.

"That's alright," Luke assures. He rests his hands on Calum's knees as he leans back in his chair. His thumbs brush over Calum's skin softly. "Do you have a summary of the damnations?"

"Most of them were gay," Calum answers before sticking a spoonful of ice cream in his mouth. "I would say that it's kind of unfair that every gay person is sent to hell, but the devil himself is gay, so."

"So is God!" Luke argues. He reaches forward and pokes Calum's stomach, making him giggle.

"God's not gay. He's asexual," Calum informs Luke. Luke rolls his eyes. "Anyways, one of them is a self-loathing gay. Imagine the look on his face when he found out he was going to hell at The Gate. He looks kind of familiar, but I'd have no idea where I've seen him before. Y'know, because I'm not allowed on Earth." Calum grumbles the last part, jabbing his spoon into the ice cream.

"As much as I love knowing that you were the one to pinch every single person's butt from Westboro Baptist Church, that's also a good reason God banished you to hell. I don't mind, you fit in here perfectly." Luke leans up to press a kiss against Calum's lips.

"Mmm, do I?" Calum asks, resting his arms on Luke's shoulders, the ice cream and spoon bumping together behind Luke's neck. Calum is about to kiss Luke again when he pulls back. "I think the one boy's friend looked familiar too. Do you remember the one time a few years ago I watched the orb for the first time?"

And Luke knows exactly who he's talking about. "They died?" he asks incredulously. "They're so young."

Calum shrugs, setting the empty ice cream container on Luke's desk beside the papers. "You know that stuff happens."

Luke glances at his doorway, then looks at Calum for a moment. "Want to go say hi?" he asks, running his hands up and down Calum's legs.

"Sure, let's go scare the crap out of them."

Luke and Calum were off, shutting Luke's door behind him. He didn't have to worry about locking it because, well, it's hell. The punishments are more severe than on Earth.

When Luke and Calum make it to the common area, Luke sees the long line of people waiting to be admitted into their individual places. The line has been this long forever, and maybe it's time to do something about it. He makes a mental note to hire some humans at the front desk later.

Luke grabs Calum's hand, lacing their fingers together as they scour the faces for the people they're looking for. Calum tugs on his hand and points to the two boys standing in line about halfway to the front. Luke smiles and starts walking towards them, Calum close by his side.

"Michael Clifford, Ashton Irwin," Luke says. The two of them turn to look at Luke, cowering under his gaze. "Come with me." Luke turns around, Calum in tow as he leads the boys away from the long line. He grabs two sheets of paperwork and starts filling out the information, not watching where he's going. When you're the devil, people tend to move out of your way easily.

"You two have sparked my interest," Luke tells them. "You know, everyone is inherently evil. That's why hell is a lot bigger than heaven. Personally, Michael, I don't think you belong here." Michael looks amazed at Luke, then his eyes wander the wide expanse of the area around him. "And Ashton, you know why you're here. Unfortunately, you two are stuck here until God agrees to make some changes about the damnation system."

Luke leads the four of them into a dark room, and he ushers them inside to close the door behind them. The room becomes pitch black until Luke hits a switch, and then Ashton and Michael are blinded by light. Luke stands in front of them as they gather their senses, his arms wide as Calum steps to the side with the papers against his chest, a fond smile on his face.

"Welcome to hell," Luke says, almost like he's a talk show host. Luke watches as Michael and Ashton look behind him, feels the heat of the molten lava against his back. Luke steps away so they can have a clearer view of the souls falling into the pit, the shrill shrieks and screams never failing to give his guests goosebumps.


	2. What the heaven?

Ashton turns back to look at Luke, a scared look on his face. Michael looks at Ashton before glancing back at Luke. His mouth is open in shock.

"I'm just kidding," Luke laughs as he hits another switch on the wall, and the scenery becomes much more pleasant. There's a giant building to the right that seems to go for miles. Straight in front of them is a water fountain with a beautifully sculpted statue in the middle of angels reaching up, their wings cut off. To the left is just a wide open space of green grass where they see possibly millions of people having conversations and having fun. "This is hell," Luke clarifies, stepping onto the sidewalk pavement in front of them. "And if you haven't guessed yet, I'm the devil. I make everything here happen. I've helped damn everyone here, I know what everyone's done wrong, and I know what everyone is capable of. Just thought you should know."

Luke grabs Calum's hand again, leading the two shocked boys to the building on their right. "This is sort of like what you humans would call an apartment building," Luke informs them, walking up to the receptionist desk. "Hey, Ariel," Luke greets the receptionist. He looks up and sees Luke, a smile instantly growing on his face.

"Speak of the devil. What's up, Luke? Showing around some newbies?" Ariel asks as he looks past Luke to the two shy men. He waves at Calum, "Hey, Calum."

"Yep. Should've seen their faces when I showed them the lava room," Luke chuckles.

Ariel laughs. "Always the prankster. What can I do for you?"

"Michael Clifford and Ashton Irwin," Luke gives. Ariel types in the names on his computer, registering them to the complex.

"All set. Anything else?" Ariel asks. Luke shakes his head, thanking Ariel before walking back to the boys.

"That's Ariel. He'll give you any information about this building you need. He's most commonly used for looking up names so that someone can visit another person in their home, but you can also tell him whatever's wrong with your living space." Luke waves his fingers, gesturing that the newbies follow him into the elevator of the lobby.

Calum rests his head on Luke's shoulder as he continues explaining the building while the doors shut. "This elevator will take you anywhere you want to go. When the doors open, it's going to be any place you feel most comfortable. For most people, it's their room on Earth. We'll start with Michael since he's my favorite."

Michael nervously laughs, looking at Ashton. The elevator doors ding and open to Michael's room which doesn't look like a bedroom but more like a decked out living room. 

Michael's nervousness dissolves on his face as a grin grows instead. He rushes into his room, jumping onto his couch facing the flat screen television hanging on the wall. "This is my man cave," Michael explains, moving his arms to rest behind his head. "This couch is the softest thing I own. I've spent so much time in here, it's no wonder this is my room."

Luke laughs and pulls Calum into his side by his waist. "Maybe Michael does belong in hell. C'mon, we have to show Ashton his room." Michael gets up from the couch and steps back inside the elevator.

When the doors open next, Ashton is taken aback. He steps just inside, and he's fully immersed into his home back on Earth. It's exactly the way he left it, his clothes strewn near the hamper and his bed unmade. His laptop is on the floor, the screen open to YouTube. He walks over to his closet door, opening it to find all of his clothes hung on hangers. He opens the curtains, and he sees his backyard from the second floor. He looks back to his doorway, seeing the three people peering through elevator doors instead of his wooden door with posters taped to it.

Ashton feels out of breath, unable to take in everything at once. It looks exactly like his room, but he knows it's in hell. He must be dreaming. This has to be a dream. Ashton pinches himself, but he very much feels that. Okay, so it's not a dream.

Luke beckons him back onto the elevator, where Ashton just stares at Michael, hoping he's feeling the same emotions. The elevator doors close, and Luke is back to being a tour guide.

"You're both signed up for immersion therapy in a few minutes. You'll have it every day for the next week or so, and you're allowed to come back any time. You'll always know what time it is too because of our new technology which lets humans know when something is starting just by a pulse in their brains. Ashton, you're signed up for conversion therapy as well, but that's after immersion therapy."

Ashton has to backtrack. "Even though it's hell, you're trying to convert me to not being . . ." he trails off, not wanting to admit why he's in hell.

"Oh, hell no. We want you to accept your feelings and convert you from being homophobic. If you're stuck in hell, might as well learn to live with it, huh?" Luke smirks at him, a knowing look on his face when Ashton's nose twitches at the word "homophobic." Ashton just turns to look at the elevator doors.

"Speaking of being stuck in hell," Luke starts a new conversation, this time looking at Michael. "I'm actually going to talk to God about the whole being-gay-thing, and maybe you'll get out of here. Unfortunately, anyone that gets out of hell isn't allowed to go to heaven straight away, but that's what reincarnation is for. And really, who doesn't want to stay in hell forever? The only downside is that sometimes the food is burnt and the air conditioning breaks. Otherwise, it's exactly like a vacation."

Michael smiles, a devilish glint in his eye. "I think I'll like it here. It can't be too bad. The Prince of Darkness is really hot, too." He raises one eyebrow, watching as Luke keeps eye contact with him.

"Flattery won't get you anywhere," Luke laughs. "Actually, I kind of like 'Prince of Darkness.' No one's called me that in years. Maybe I'll have to revoke my strictly non-human dating type." Luke feels Calum's fingernails digging into his side, but it's nothing he can't handle. Calum has done much worse.

Ashton seems to be cowering in the corner just as the elevator doors ding open, and he's following behind the three others from a distance as they get off. He can't believe how at ease Michael is right now. He's literally in hell, and Michael is acting like he's just become best friends with the devil.

Once the four of them step outside, Luke turns to face them once again but more with a sense of finality. "I've showed you basically everything you need to know about hell, you know, except to avoid pissing off the devil. The rest is free reign: do whatever the heaven you want."

Michael nods, followed by a more hesitant Ashton.

"I'll catch up with you boys later," Luke bids goodbye. He turns to Calum, linking his arm in his. "Ready, angel?"

"Ready for what?" Calum asks before looking down at their linked arms. The damnation papers in his hand crinkle as his fist shakes. His face grows comically scared as his eyes meet Luke's. "No, no, no! Can't we just walk? Spend time together?"

"I have things to do," Luke replies, rolling his eyes.

"I hate th-AH!" Calum gets cut off as the two otherworldly beings are gone in a flash, leaving Michael and Ashton staring into the spot they previously occupied with their mouths hung open.

"Cool," Michael praises before continuing down the sidewalk towards the fountain.

Ashton scampers to keep up. "Michael," he hisses, looking around. "We are literally in hell, how are you so chill about all of this?"

"To be honest," Michael starts, picking up his pace as he reaches the fountain. "I kind of always thought about hell and what it would be like, you know, because I'm gay and all. I wasn't exactly sure what it would be, but this is pretty amazing." Michael places both hands on the rim of the fountain, using them to lean forward to look up at the intricately designed fallen angels. Warm droplets of water splash his face, which he brushes off with the back of his hand.

"But you died," Ashton argues. "Aren't you worried about your family?"

Michael turns around just then, his face pitying Ashton. "I've accepted my death. I can't change it. I can't change a lot of things." And then he becomes reserved, his cheeks flushing as he shifts his gaze to the ground.

Ashton feels his top lip curl as he looks at Michael, his eyebrows furrowing in distress. His cheeks warm like Michael's, and devil, he really hates himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good or bad??

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think!


End file.
